Wednesday, 20 March 2013


As you may have guessed if you had read a previous post, I enjoy going out clubbing as much as I enjoy slamming Mr Teeny (every man has a name for theirs, don't act like I'm the only one) in a rusty gate.

There are infinite ways in which I would improve the nightclubs, not just in Swansea (which isn't exactly synonymous with class and elegance at the best of times), but in the entire world. I've managed to squeeze it into 2 steps: 1. bulldoze and burn every bastard down to the godforsaken ground and 2. If anybody protests, repeat step 1.

But I'm a reasonable man, I know not everybody wants them scorched to oblivion, so let's all agree on the worst aspect of nighclubs; the one thing I can't stand about nightclubs isn't the fact that after you've queued for twenty minutes in the driving rain and ruined your hair (a big problem for me), or you've paid a few of your hard earned pounds to stand inside out of the rain, after you've paid a small fortune for a thimble of imitation vodka in a vat of imitation cola, or that it's all knocked out of your hand by someone who's had much more imitation vodka than is surely legal. No, through all of that, there is one constant which drives me up the fucking wall: the music. More to the point, how bloody loud it is all the time. 

This has been a problem which has plagued the history of mankind- even centuries ago when my ancestor Lord Walter Brittain IV walked into his local public house "The Duck and the Ridiculously Short Life Expectancy", and instantly scribed upon a piece of parchment about the shocking volume of Beethoven's Fifth- and that piece was the only thing anyone was interested in at the time. That and Madonna's difficult second album.

Loud music is to morons what huge portions of food are to fat people. Fat people seem to constantly think "these pancakes do taste good- but what would make them really good is if I had thirty of them in one go", like morons think "yes, this Nicki Minaj song is really hitting the spot for me, but isn't it just so much better if I play it so it's louder than Maria Sharapova holding a jackhammer, screaming on top of a jumbo jet?!", forcing you to lean into their ears and shout NOT REALLY YOU FUCKING PRAT ITS THE SAME THING!"

The killer blow is that the music is a never-ending stream of utter drivel played at a billion decibels with no intervals at all. No DJ has ever said "Okay, we're going to take a short break now, let you catch your breath, maybe have a toilet stop, go and get some fresh air, and we'll come back and have some more jolly good fun in about five minutes? Is that cool?", because DJs are employed specifically to keep the atrocity going, and run songs into each other. Any silence or pause between the music is a henious crime in the DJ world, punishable by torture, or death-by-boos-and-jeers.

Imagine for a second if a DJ in a nightclub played music at a regular volume... Blissfull, isn't it? Okay, so it's not your favourite song the DJ is playing (and if it's "Gangnam Style", frankly it isn't anybody's favourite song), but it's at such a volume that your riveting conversation about the appearance of the girl along the bar can simply block it out. Men would be able to talk to women in a normal manner, and because the music isn't as loud, they wouldn't be so inclined to act as if they know how to dance; they could just converse, share interests, and simply let their charm (or lack of it) dictate if they are going to get a taxi home with an attractive lady, or just stumble home with bits of chicken and kebab hanging out of their mouth.

I can literally see no downside in turning the volume down on nightclubs around the world, and therefore expect there to be borne out of this blog, the humbly titled "Brittain's Law", in which clubs are banned from playing loud music. It's a genius idea but, as is so often the case with genius ideas, it'll probably be drowned out. Probably by some loud shit music.

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