Friday, 3 January 2014


The start of a new year means that anyone and everyone with an outlet to spout their miserably unwanted thoughts is obliged to come up with some fake 'resolutions' because it makes them look willing to better themselves in this imperfect world, and also because it makes them look festive and with the times, even if they write something ridiculously dated like "I promise I'll stop listening to that TRULY ADDICTIVE Gangnam Style!"

Instead, I present to your my New Year Resolutions for you, the Great British public. If you are an avid reader of the Daily Mail (and, being a human being capable of sensitive thought, I sincerely hope you aren't), you'll know full well that we, as a society, are crumbling into disrepair, and will soon be unable to say the phrase "It wasn't this shit back in my day", because it just won't ring true any more. 

So, here they are: 

1. Don't get your hopes up too much. 
This year, a select 23 from a pool of 60 million citizens will fly to Brazil to try and win the World Cup, while the rest of us sit at home and just hope that they don't completely humiliate themselves, and us, for another four years. To achieve this, it's vitally important that NOBODY predicts anything other than a Group Stage Exit. Anything better than that is dangerously optimistic, and will only leave us flat and sobbing like Gazza when we exit at the Group Stage. 

2. Try not to kill anyone. 
America spent so much time defending it's right to bear arms after the Newtown Massacre of December 2012, it completely looked over the fact that, since those horrible events, over 9,900 more gun-related deaths have occurred. This issue was most-famously discussed on Piers Morgan's CNN show with red-faced gun enthusiast Alex Jones, who firstly barked on about how dangerous Piers is, and then about how Great Britain is since it banned the ownership of automatic firearms. After watching the interview on YouTube, I managed to prove him wrong by not going out on the street to stab someone. Perhaps this year a few more of us could do that

3. Stop messing about with your own hair. 
I should know. 
Blonde in Berlin, 2008
'ENOUGH!' I screamed, last month. Why do I put myself through this each day? The cuts, the products, the messing about with it, the combing, the brushing, the dyeing, the straightening, the curling, the wind, the rain, the eventual misery when you realise that you'll never look as good as David Beckham. 
It had to stop. So must you.

4. Write and feature in your own TV show.
Go on, try it. Oh, you can't? That's because it's REALLY FUCKING HARD. I've tried it all from heartwarming sitcoms, to chilling dramas, to even an arthouse indie show. It's really tough, and now I appreciate how tough it is to write a decent TV show week in week out. Alternatively, if you don't want to try writing/featuring in a TV show, how about never complaining about one ever again? If you sit there watching Made in Chelsea going "This is so good it's bad, how can anyone watch this?! I only watch ironically it to laugh at the people who watch it?" then you, my good friend, are not the solution. You are the problem.

5. Stop someone mid-meltdown, and make them laugh. 
Judge the mood first - don't make a fart noise in front of your grieving grandmother. But if someone's having a sob about how work's getting on top of them, or having a crisis of confidence in their own ability to cook rice, now's the time to remind them of that picture you have of them licking one of the Queen's guards to see if he will move, and how hilarious it was at the time. See? Life's too short to get in such a state.

6. Stop using the word 'bants'.
"So there I was in Yates's, absolutely shitcunted off two WKD blues, when the-legend-that-is-Spunko headbutted a stranger for no reason, threw him to the ground, and then me and the LADS started shouting verbal abuse at his missus as she tried to use some tissues to stop the heavy bleeding coming from the side of his head. BANTS"
It's safe to say that the word 'banter', and all it's variations, have been heavily bastardised.

7. Stop asking people if they've seen 'Breaking Bad'. 
Barely a day has gone by since the bloody thing finished that I haven't been treated like an inferior being because I didn't watch it. Nor have I watched Homeland, The US Office, The Sopranos, Spaced, Peep Show, Frasier, Ripper Street, or Sherlock. Can we still be friends?

8. Don't take part in Democracy
In the UK, and throughout Europe, elections in May will decide Members of the European Parliament, in which the views of 63 million of us will be condensed into 73 men and women. That means one representative for each 863,013 of us. 

Last year, drug-addict-turned-comedian-turned-Jesus-H-Christ Russell Brand told Jeremy Paxman that he has never voted, and doesn't intend to. I disagree with him: go to the polls, and spoil your ballot. Show these people that they don't represent you. Unless one of them really does. But, as we know, there's a 1 in 863,013 chance of that happening. 

Failing that, get a myWaitrose card and only go there for the free coffee, and nothing else. Apparently it annoys posh people. Stick that up your arse, establishment!

9. Stop going to nightclubs
Everything about them is ridiculous, as I have tried to say before here, (and failed, because I still frequent them). On the last night of 2013, I, and two good friends who are more handsome than myself, was lured into one by a lady more attractive than the three of us combined, who assured us all that it would be 'fun'. The loud music, the inability to dance, the standing next to people distinctly more attractive than you (male and female) and wondering how you ever managed to have intercourse with another human being, the £10 to get in even though we weren't there for the New Year's Countdown, the £5 for 25ml of vodka, 35ml of lemonade and 150ml of ice. All in the name of fun!

Interestingly, at no point for the whole 45 minutes we were there did my two attractive male friends, or even our very pretty friend, say "This is so much fun!". Which was the correct thing to do, because friends don't lie.

10. Keep the faith
I will still love you, no matter what you do. Remember that. Go forth and hold these resolutions close to your bosom. Love them, cradle them, print them off and tape them to the back of your lover, or record someone reading them out loud and have it as your alarm clock, so that we all may have a better life, one day at a time. 

And, for God's sake, don't read the Daily Mail.