Thursday, 14 March 2013

Don't You Know About the Word?

Studying a foreign language has always been a source of great interest for me. If I was perhaps a little bit better at French, I would have loved to have studied it at University. As it is, I study Politics, which is like French, but it isn't as cool... or romantic... or interesting... or fun... or anything really.

But I feel I have a licence to study French, because I've already mastered my own language (English, in case you didn't notice), to a certain extent at least. Alas, there is still one part of our glorious language I haven't quite conquered: slang.

The whole 'yoof' population went through a phase where txt spk woz rly kool, lyk, u get dis? An era of when to speak in slang was quite cool. It was when Nokia phones were at their peak, when everyone had a 3210, 3310 or something similar, and it was much quicker and cooler to rite lyk u wer in such a rush dat u had 2 txt quik cuz u iz a busy fella. Now iPhones and proper keyboards have put paid to that- what excuse is there for such atrocious language?

Language changes all the time. Slang changes pace so much after the solid 3 months it takes me to master the proper use of a phrase, it's gone completely out of fashion. I left University in 2nd year thinking that "buzzin'" was slang for "a heightened feeling of excitement", like;

"Yo, J-dawg! (Nobody has said this ever, I don't have a nickname) You goin' out tonight?"
"Hell yeah! (I have never said this ever, either) I'm buzzin' for it!"

However, now I'm told that "buzzin'" means "somebody who isn't attractive", e.g...

"Yo, Jay Bizzle (I'm so lonely...) Saw you hittin' on some BUZZIN bird last night!"
"Excuse me? I was just chatting to my friend from spin class (this would have happened if I wasn't so goddam shy)"
"Oh sorry butt.... AWKS"

Luckily, the word for someone who uses all this language has never changed. It's always been "dickhead".

It's also the use of a phrase in a situation which doesn't really suit it. For example, if you were walking to work and you were suddenly attacked by a ravenous chicken, you'd be forgiven for saying "Holy shit! That was crazy!". But if you just make a piece of toast with some jam on it, take a photo of it on Instagram and put "#thatshitcray", it obviously isn't fucking crazy, is it?! It's actually quite regular, it's the opposite of "cray!" If anything, you should be writing "#thatshitratherbanal".

Another disgusting craze recently (no, not the Harlem Shake, but that also bloody sucks- basically there's an establishing shot of a normal situation, when some berk wearing a horse's head jiggles on acting like he's trying desperately to hold in a shit, then the bass drops and somehow in the 0.098 seconds it takes to change tone, everyone else in the scene has leaped on each other and flailed about like they've lost all control of muscles and common sense, all for the sake of a few views on YouTube?! That's a very valuable 30 seconds of your 15 minutes of fame down the fucking drain there) is people saying "UNNNAAAYY". There is simply no need for it. When people eventually do get a degree and a job, are they really going to go into their office on Day 1 and shout "FINAAAAAANNCCEEE!!!" "RISK ASSESSMEEEEEENNNNTTT!" "TRAINEE MARKETIIIIIIIIINNNGG!" I really hope not.

We, as students need to take a stand against this shoddy language. Not swearing (It doesn't show a lack of vocabulary you totty fucking spunkmonkey), but atrocious slang which doesn't really mean anything. Students who cannot think of 1. Anything nice to say or 2. A decent bloody way to articulate themselves should do their classmates a huge favour and keep their jaws firmly locked together, and don't open them again, preferably until you graduate.

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